the Embarrassing Butterfly
I remember the time, back in the elementary school, that I had to hold a small traditional drum with Korean traditional flag marked in the middle. It was called Sogo and the teacher told us that we had to learn our own rhythm to be a proper Korean. I remember thinking that it was boring and not fashionable. Everybody went to piano classes. Are you playing Cherney or Vaiel? That was the new class amongst the kids. Of course, I was playing Cherney. I wanted to be a pianist because all the pianists were wearing fancy long dresses.
Earlier than that? I remember the graduation day of my kindergarten. Those graduating kids were divided into two groups- one was performing Korean traditional fan dance, and the other one was performing a ballet. The group selection was purely on the heights. Tall kids wore pomp-pomp and toe shoes and the short kids wore Hanbok, Korean traditional dress. I was glad to be in the ballet group, but sad that all my other friends were too short. I was alone.
Hanbok, Korean traditional dress, was expensive. Jean were practical, but at the same time, fashionable. I never wore Hanbok after I grow up. My mom bought me Hanbok for my first birthday, which means that I could wear it only once in my lifetime. Later I received a used one from someone when I was still very small. I used to wear them once or twice a year, on New Year days or someone’s wedding days until I grew out of it. I remember there were a certain way to tie a ribbon and I still don’t know how. Still, I did not forget to tell that Koreans have our own costume whenever I meet foreign friends, telling how beautiful and comfortable they are.
Sogo, my first trial to be a proper korean citizen
My father, a theater director, used to make theaters about Korean traditional shamanistic ritual. That was exotic to me, because all those dancing and fancy clothes were new to me. I guess it was interesting the way that I've never seen it, not the way that I appreciate it. He used to use difficult terms of ‘living as an intellectual in the third world colonized societies in 1980’s’, and it seems like he found his way in the shamanistic ritual which is purely Korean but new to Korean at the same time. It was much later that I realized that quite a few Koreans still really practice those rituals in this modern society.
Long time has passed since then. I was at the farm in Vermont, with friends from all over the world at the Bread and Puppet Theater. It was a borderless hippie-haven. Every morning we sang a song, and everybody introduced the songs of their own country. I’ve learnt songs from Finland, Ecuador, Thailand, and anywhere in their own language. I felt like I had to do something. My Korean blood was pushing to me introduce something ‘Korean’. I didn’t want to introduce ‘Arirang’ again, going on and on and on about the sad story behind that song and Korean sentiment, blah blah blah…. So I thought over and over, and remembered one song from my childhood. It was a song about a butterfly. Butterfly! How metaphoric, reminding me of the eastern philosopher, Zhuangzi! So one beautiful morning, I raked in all my confidence from my vulnerable soul and presented myself and the song. Everybody sang beautifully and I introduced it saying what butterfly means in the eastern world.
After finishing the song, one American friend with blond hair and blue eyes came up to me asking about the song. I told her it’s Korean children’s song. She brought me to a piano and played me the full score. Wow, how did you do that, I asked. That’s Mozart, Chae. She answered. I was so much embarrassed. I didn’t know what to say.
So who am I? Okay, let’s admit it. Half of my life, I was wearing Jeans but it doesn’t mean I have to soul of American frontiers. Most of my lives, I was listening to the K-pop which was heavily influenced by American pop culture, and I did witness that ‘original’ Americans laughing when they heard rapping in Korean. I even had a small argument with my ever so nice Australian friend once, when he was laughing at one Korean girl’s singing country song. I thought her voice was hip and calming. He said it was interesting that an Asian girl singing country song which is considered to be white big man’s colonial songs. I did not know that kind of cultural context. I still remember the offensive feeling when a hair friend from New Zealand asking me if I knew Shakespeare. Oh, there are so many things to go on and on and on…. But the thing is… did I ‘really know’ Shakespeare? What does ‘know’ mean? Oh, one of my Korean friend laughed at me pronouncing Shakespeare as ‘shakes’ instead of ‘Sakes’ in Korean.
So here I am again. Who am I? Am I a cultural orphan lost in the middle of the street? I am not Korea enough, but for sure I’m not American, neither. Do I need to learn how to play that small Sogo again to be a proper Korean? That’s what I want to find out. Thought one thing for sure that I can tell by now is, I can only know who I am when I am away. It’s ironic, but sadly true. I’d like to find out where all those particles that composed me have come from.
